A couple days ago, right when I needed it, Gabrielle Bernstein’s blog entry was delivered to me with her nifty approach to shifting an unpleasant mood immediately. I’ve been playing with it ever since.
In her book Super Attractor: Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams (Hay House 2019), Bernstein calls her approach the “choose again method.” To me, she’s offering a recipe for reframing, in the moment, the thought or belief that triggers whatever crappy feeling you’re going through. And it works.
Here’s an example of how it recently worked for me.
I visited T.J. Maxx looking for cacao powder and dog treats. Came up without either of those, but I did find a beautiful cotton-blend rug for The Bathroom of Despair and some gluten-free pretzels.
As I approached the checkout guy, I felt an awful feeling. My stomach dropped, and I felt despairing and hopeless. Paralyzed and helpless. And I was in the feeling, like a turd being sucked down the toilet: I had tunnel vision, and that horrible feeling was all I could see.
That got my attention. I’ve done enough work on myself that I was able to become aware I’d been triggered rather than just being swept down the plumbing — YAY, ME!
I stopped and thought about what I was doing that triggered it: money. Spending money, even a modest amount, can give me that feeling. Getting a bill or any kind of official-looking correspondence from an employer or a place I’ve done business with. Even checking to see whether I’ve been paid, or moving money around in my accounts so it will be in the right place for bills to be paid from, triggers this feeling. I’m working my way out of PTSD about money.
Bernstein’s recipe for reframing negative thoughts
- I registered the feeling and described it to myself, as I wrote above. I noted it was pretty intense: good to know. I noted what had triggered it. In this case, I didn’t have to wonder. I’ve struggled with this particular trigger a long time.
- I stated the thought I was having about spending twenty-three dollars on this rug: to wit, “I’m wrecking my financial future by spending this money. I will lose my house and be living under a bridge.”
- I asked myself if it was an appropriate response to what I was doing. Was I really going to wreck my fiscal future by spending twenty-three bucks? The answer was “Probably not.”
- Here is the genius part of Bernstein’s approach: I forgave myself for having this feeling and this negative thought that brought it on. Her recipe for reframing spends a lot of time on this aspect, and I think forgiving myself is the reason it worked for me. I forgave myself for having the thought that caused me to feel I’d wrecked my life by making a very small choice, one that I could immediately undo by returning the rug.
- I said to myself: “You know what? I forgive you for having this thought. You learned it from parents who lived through the Depression. It’s reinforced by a LOT of stuff in the culture: the scarcity feeling that isn’t really helpful: it makes us unwilling to share what we have; it motivates us to hoard things; it makes us believe things are more important than people. [It’s probably really useful for selling things, so it is constantly harped on by advertising].”
- Give yourself credit for what you’re doing: Acknowledge what you’re doing right. Good for you for noticing a pattern that is harming you and for being willing to experiment with a different approach! I believe that doing this for yourself will help you acknowledge what the people around you– loved ones, coworkers– are doing right, which always helps.
- Bernstein goes so far as to suggest we thank the negative thoughts and feelings for showing us what we do not want, so we can focus on what we do want. We could even thank the extremely intense negative thoughts for getting our attention so we can work on our issue. This thanking step resembles Marie Kondo’s method for passing along clutter. I did notice that thanking clothes that no longer fit or that don’t suit me makes them easier to consign to the Goodwill bag. Just sayin’.
- Figure out what you would rather think when you encounter this trigger? In Bernstein’s words, “What’s the best-feeling thought [you] can find right now?” (10). How would I rather feel when I spend money on something that’s neither food, rent, utilities, or health care? Well, I’d rather feel skeptical — a reality check about discretionary purchases is good — and hopeful — maybe this rug will focus my remake of The Bathroom of Despair. I’d choose, “I’m probably not going to irreparably harm my finances by spending this.” And “I am willing to feel calmer about using money.” Just saying and writing that I’m willing to feel calmer makes me feel calmer. I become aware that a range of feelings are available for me. I’d like to feel calmer. I’m not rational when I’m panicking.
- Bernstein gives a genius pattern for finding a thought that doesn’t make you want to die. She specifies picking a thought you are able to feel congruent with. Someone feeling terrible about money, she says, could choose to think, “I am open to creative possibilities for abundance” (10). That’s all it has to be. You don’t have to solve the problem, or have a complete plan for getting whatever amount of money you believe will make you feel secure. You could similarly think, “I’m open to the possibility of feeling better.” “I’m willing to begin feeling calm [or secure or content or unruffled] about this issue.”
- Choose this less-injurious thought about what’s going on. Feeling calmer enables you be kinder, to function better in your life, and to be more open to the positive things the Universe offers to you.
I’ve been playing with this recipe since I read it in Bernstein’s book, which was, I can calmly say, certainly worth the money I spent on it.
Bernstein, Gabrielle. Super Attractor: Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams. Hay House 2019.
Think UP! 