Don’t freak out because you’re freaking out. It’s just part of your process

Just because you feel unsure and lost, or even completely hopeless and self-loathing, while you’re doing something, doesn’t cancel out that You Are Doing The Thing, and possibly doing it very well.

Freaking out is part of the process. And it won’t last forever.

When you’re freaking out because you notice you’re having a terrifying feeling, you can neutralize that meta-freakout, that extra freakage about freaking, by reminding yourself that This Is Just Part of It.

You’ll be fine. you’re 25. feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. take a breath. You’ll be okay. even if you don’t feel okay all the time. permalink
Louis CK, via iamlouisck Reddit

You’ll be OK, even if you don’t feel OK all the time

Even if you’re just beginning to do something — to heal, to take the next breath, to post a page on a dating site, or to look for better employment — you’re doing it. You’re also having feelings about it. No matter how distracting, no matter how disturbing the feelings feel while you’re doing whatever, you are Doing The Thing. In fact, Those feelings are part of Doing The Thing.

Whatever not-pleasurable feelings are happening in your mind and body while you’re doing something you’ve wanted to do, but have not been able to up to now — are actually part of the experience of doing something you’ve never done before.

Tell yourself You’re Doing The Thing. You’re doing it, AND you’re simultaneously having feelings about doing it. The feelings are part of doing the thing.

Process these feelings by writing about them

Writing about something gives you a kind of control over it (James Pennebaker et al). So, get paper and pen and write down what you’re experiencing in this moment. You’ll be controlling the situation.

First, set the scene

Just to record it. Later, you might want to go back to see how difficult Doing Whatever Thing used to be for you.

“In this moment, I am seeing [jot down five things you can see, using sight descriptors such as color names, visual texture words such as shiny, sparkly, matte, translucent, glowing, dark, bright, fluorescent].
“. . . I am hearing [jot down four sounds. These don’t have to be relevant; this description is just for the record: PC fan humming, traffic outside, music through the wall.]
” . . . I am tasting or smelling [three things: Coffee? Gum? Cold water? Dog breath? ]”
“I am feeling [sofa cushions? lightly or loosely laced shoes? Watch or bracelet around wrist? Using words like warm, cool, rough, tight, sticky, silky, itchy, and clammy will guarantee you are describing the sense of touch].

Going into detail extends your sense of control.

Notice what part of the process sparked the freakout

Now that you’ve set the scene, note for the record what part of The Thing you’re facing is making you vibrate with fear. Be very specific. I’ve discovered that, for me, thinking about doing something is way scarier than actually doing it.

“I’m just thinking about checking my bank balance/paying bills online/seeing how much I owe on my credit card”
Thinking about choosing [buying?] an outfit to take selfies for upload to OKCupid
Wondering how to online search for a plumber to fix the running toilet, since my late husband always did that kind of thing for us
Thinking about logging into whatever job search website
Thinking about logging in to Blackboard or Google Classroom to grade papers

Describe the feelings / fearful fantasies honestly

OK, now that we’ve recorded the scene, let’s describe the extent of the fearful feelings and fearful fantasies. This part sounds terrifying, but it is not. Writing down the fearful fantasy robs it of its power. Somehow, written down, the fearful fantasy looks a lot less likely to actually happen.

And while you are writing it down, remind yourself to

Exaggerate, don’t minimize.

We are talking about some long-held fears here. Give yourself credit for just how extreme these feelings are that you’re Doing The Thing in spite of.

If I sit down to grade papers, I’ll feel really hot and uncomfortable sunk into the sofa, and my back will hurt.
If I jot down notes on what I want to say to my boss about my performance review, she will read a transcript of my keystrokes, see that I’ve got some material to add or qualify the review, and preemptively fire me. I won’t be able to find another job, and I’ll lose my apartment and my cats because I’ll be homeless.
When I try on outfits to decide which one to take selfies in, I’ll find that none of them fit or that I look horrible in all of them. I’ll have to face how unattractive I am. I will despair.

Look at the fears and ask yourself what you could do if the feared outcome actually DOES happen

For example:

If I sit down to grade papers, I’ll feel really hot and uncomfortable sunk into the sofa, and my back will hurt.

It’s possible that I’ll feel hot and uncomfortable and my back might hurt. If that happens, what could I do about it?

Set a timer and get up off the sofa every hour and walk around the house.
Sit somewhere other than the sofa, maybe a dining table or TV tray in front of a desk chair, the way I’m set up now.
Put a pillow behind the small of my back to ward off backaches.

Let’s look at the second fearful fantasy:

If I jot down notes on what I want to say to my boss about my performance review, she will read a transcript of my keystrokes, see that I’ve got some material to add or qualify the review, and preemptively fire me. I won’t be able to find another job, and I’ll lose my apartment and my cats because I’ll be homeless.

This one is very familiar to me. I wish I had written it down a long time ago, because I would have asked myself:

First of all, has this ever happened? No, I’ve never gotten evicted for nonpayment. It never gets to that point.
Have I ever been unemployed for a long time? Once I was, and I got by on unemployment benefits till I found another job.
Would I go straight from “have my own apartment” to “sleeping under a bridge”? Probably not.

When I try on outfits to decide which one to take selfies in, I’ll find that none of them fit or that I look horrible in all of them. I’ll have to face how unattractive I am. I will despair.

Breathe on this idea a minute while I remind you of some things:

Be fair: Award yourself the same credit you give other people for doing what they find terrifying

You’ve credited other people for calmly going on and taking care of business in a situation that scared them. If they’ve had to fight their way through feelings of anxiety and terror about what they’re doing, you probably even give them extra credit for fighting their anxiety/terror/certainty they’re going to die. I know I do.

I think you should give yourself extra credit, too, not only for Doing The Thing, but for doing it while simultaneously swimming upstream against a Niagara of anxiety.

Just because you get panic-attack-level stage fright before you go onstage doesn’t mean you don’t do a great job once you’re there. A lot of truly talented people understand that freaking out is part of their creative process.

Some actors routinely barf before they go on stage. Every single time. They love to perform, so they don’t let it stop them from performing. They understand that the nausea is part of their creative process, is just part of doing it.

Feeling nervous, feeling certain you’re going to fail, or having a complete panic attack — none of these negates the fact that you are succeeding in doing something scary. Like the actors, you might even consider the panicky part an essential step in the performance.

Panic attacks, feeling like you don’t know what to do next, aches all over your body, or being anxious to the barfing point: the terrible feeling is part of the scary thing you’re doing. Rapid mood swings are part of going through a divorce, part of finding yourself out of work, part of retiring and suddenly being retired. Overwhelming feelings of overwhelm are part of being single after a long time being part of a couple, or taking time off to write and writing, or buying a house for the first time.

It’s even scarier, and you get serious bonus points, if you’re going back to college after a crappy semester, or after dropping out, or after having kids and being out of school for a decade or two. Bonus points for starting a new job and having to learn stuff you don’t already know. Bonus points for dating after not having been single since before the Internet.

Feeling hopeless about the outcome does not cancel out the fact that you are Doing The Thing

Even if you’re only beginning to think about it, dream it, starting to plan it, you are Doing The Thing. Some moments are probably going to come with pretty-humongous-and-not-in-a-good-way weird feelings.

But those feelings, no matter how huge, won’t prevent you from doing it, and from doing a great job.

They are part of the process.