In this post, I’ll show you how I designed a scoring rubric that reflects my values and makes sense to me.
We judge ourselves, and we judge other people, mostly instantaneously and unconsciously. That’s OK. It’s probably wired into our brains as a survival tool. We might as well admit we judge and USE it to our greater good.
It is only fair to judge ourselves the way we would judge somebody else: somebody we don’t hate. Many, many people have trouble with being fair this way. We judge ourselves far more harshly than we judge other people. And being so harsh to ourselves is truly not useful. What would we congratulate somebody else for doing? Give yourself kudos for that.
Let’s draft a scoring system that reflects our values and focuses on issues that we’re working on [and that we judge ourselves for anyway]. You do not have to invent a code of ethics. Usually the scoring system will emerge in response the the AVIYH that are trying to stop you from whatever you’re trying to do.
Look at your behavior as you would regard the behavior of somebody you want to encourage, of someone you like. What would you say if you saw somebody else doing what you’re doing? Struggling the way you’re struggling? When my asshole voices were trying to condemn me for arranging a tabletop altar, I looked at my behavior as though it was being done by someone else. I saw that I was being brave: I was beginning a creative act. In Art and Soul, Reloaded (Hay House 2017), Pam Grout says, and I agree, that creative acts are good in and of themselves. At the very least they’re therapy for the creator or an activity to bond over with friends. The point is not to paint the Mona Lisa. It’s to do something self-expressive and life-affirming.
Here’s a quick tour of my values:
Are you doing something you’ve been afraid of doing? Big-time kudos! Some kind of social bravery? Going to a party — just showing up and saying Hi to the person hosting it, and then leaving — counts. You might find out it won’t kill you; you’ll find out that maybe that you actually enjoy it, OR you might discover that you truly do not enjoy this kind of party, or this kind of people, and take appropriate action.
Are you improving your life? This covers not only exercising and eating healthily, but also maintaining your living or working or creating space, or improving it to better support your style of working. Personally, I don’t give myself credit for shopping for my space if I don’t also do a small part of the task that day, but don’t condemn yourself for stopping by the paint store for paint samples on your way home from work.
Are you doing a creative act? Even if you don’t know why? That’s called “having an inspiration and following it.” You don’t have to know why you’re doing it. Plenty of time to figure that out later.
Are you doing something that makes you feel stronger? If it’s washing your lucky sweater for an important, scary event, that counts. Give yourself credit. This brings us back to the tabletop altar of crystals. Arranging this altar before I begin my day is a ritual, and rituals help people feel stronger. Amy Alkon talks about the science behind this in Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to living With Guts and Confidence. (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2018). I walk you through making an altar in “How to Make a Tabletop Altar.”
Everything Counts
Every step of getting into shape, or getting professional help, or eating more vegetables, counts.
Beginning something counts. For example, researching the problem counts. [You’ll know when it’s time to stop researching.]
- Finding out what fitness club options are available to you counts.
- Researching good places to walk near your work so you can walk on breaks, or so you can park farther away and walk partway to work and back, counts.
- Reading Google reviews of nearby therapists counts. Reviews could help you choose one, decide against another, or encourage you to make an appointment if the person sounds really great.
Breaking the task up into parts and then taking the first step in doing one of the parts, no matter what that is. It could be finding a document you need, finding a phone number. It could be calling during business hours to find out what steps you’ll need to take. It could be writing a list. Those count.
BTW, reading self-help books counts. Browsing in several at a time counts, because no single one of them will give you all you need to make your life perfect forever.
You won’t [and probably shouldn’t] immediately find The One, work the entire thing in order, and then need no more guidance, no more options. Nobody’s got all the answers; if she does, those answers won’t necessarily be in the language you need to hear. So perusing more of them, working part of a book, and then finding another one and using part of that: That counts. It’s the Universe leading you to what you need, when you need it.
Think UP! 